thanks for all the help so far.
I do have a multimeter ... that's how I checked the voltage. To clarify, I jumpstart from another battery, and then with the engine running I'm getting 14.x V at the battery terminals. As soon as the engine goes off I'm down to 9v instantly and obviously not enough to start.
You have no idea! Yes. Wonky electronics throughout. When things get fixed here they don't really get fixed. They get patched up in wonky ways. I bought this car after it had been here for about 18 months.... so enough time for the previous owner to "wonk" things up.
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Your speakers are, however, picking up some serious stray electrons a.k.a a short.
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I never really had this problem until a week or so ago. Now it so bad that when I brake the speakers make a loud click as the brake lights come on. Same when I hit the power winders, or indicators.