Forgot to update.
Short story: my timing belt slipped which is why I couldn't get a start. Not sure why that threw so many codes.
Long story: after 2 weeks of banging my head I called up a mechanic to come take a look. They had a nicer code reader and picked up codes that I wasn't getting on...
Update: still troubleshooting. I've replaced the throttle body (for new throttle position sensor) as well as MAF, still same symptoms. Turns over just won't start. It has been 1 week and though it is winter we have had a few days hit highs of mid 50's and sunny. So I think there would have been...
A couple of weeks ago I was in a bind and had a shop replace my starter. They snapped the wires at the connector for one of my knock sensors so I went under and repaired that myself. So after that job I thought damn, I need to clean this engine bay up. Well, I did, and now I can't get to start...