[Iman74]

Originally posted by Thai
Ahh...classics! Keep it coming!

Confessing

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."


"Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing," the priest tells Henry.


"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" Henry asks.


"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that smug grin off your face."

[jharris2]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion:

"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[jharris2]

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

[Iman74]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING....now onto the jokes


A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

[bstboy]

Here, I'll start a new one off with a good one

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a
lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back
nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up
to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept
pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he
promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell
toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

[my04runner]

LOL, good one .. bstboy;

How about this one-

A father and son went hunting together for the first
time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET.
I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a bloodcurdling
scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the
father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear
breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes
and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't
cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or
scratch when the poison oak started itching. But
when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and
said, "Should we eat them here or take them with
us?"
"Well, I guess I just panicked."

[Thai]

Joke (Rated PG13):

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new 4runner. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny 4runner, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the 4runner back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? . . . . . When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a 4runner to pick up chicks.

(This joke was modified a little bit for this forum.)

[jharris2]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, 'Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater."

[jharris2]

Or this one...

[jharris2]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Se

[Iman74]

10 Things that men know about woman:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[Thai]

Here's something that i found...not sure if it's true or not:

[jharris2]

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

[jharris2]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral. "

[jharris2]

For our friends to the north:


60 above -
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Canadian people sunbathe.

50 above -
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadian people plant gardens.

40 above -
Italian cars won't start.
Canadian people drive with the windows down.

32 above -
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Ontario's water gets thicker.

20 above -
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadian people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above -
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadian people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadian people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below -
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadian people get out their winter coats.

40 below -
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

50 below -
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

60 below -
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below -
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadian people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below -
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series