[Thai]

Originally posted by jharris2
500 below -
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series

Ain't that the truth!

BTW, for me, anything below 60 F is freezing!

[Thai]

NFL News:

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and they have no second string.

[jharris2]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."

[Thai]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out
for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they
both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles
under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said,
"Not exactly a good time for that mate.."

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

[jharris2]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[jharris2]

Dear Donna,

Hope things are well with you, Tom, and the kids.

If you'll remember, last year I replaced several windows in my house---and they were the expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Well, this week I got a call from the window contractor, complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. (Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round for a bit...)

But, just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year:

"M'am, we guarantee that in one year these windows will pay for themselves."

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back from the guy. (Guess I must have won that silly argument.)

Well, gotta go! That nice young man from Sears is here to install the new freezer that will pay for itself in three years. (God, I love this country!)

Love,

Mama




Remember that the next time a telemarketer calls you.

[Thai]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them:

- Gained weight

- Talked excessively without making any sense

- Became more emotional

- And couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[jharris2]

Abbott & Costello Updated to 21st Century (for those of you who remember "Who's on First")

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue W

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not, they own it.

[Iman74]

****EDITED****
Sorry but sometimes I do not read all the posts. I was never much on reading.

[Thai]

Repost...please see above.

[Thai]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Pub Night 2.5, Weekend Golf 6.1 and Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Rubbish Out 3.3 and Garden Work 2.1 have gone from select-as-needed to continuous schedule. Ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,

A TROUBLED USER

**********

REPLY:

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under"Warnings -Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support

[Iman74]

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women

patron..He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied.
"For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said.
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,

[jharris2]

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[Thai]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzzdown and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

[Thai]

An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."