BucknutBob
New member
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS:
For Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when mileage reaches 3000 miles since last change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15-30 minutes later, write a check and leave
Money spent: Oil change $30 Coffee $1 Total $31
For Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, "kitty litter", hand cleaner, and a scented tree--write a check for $50
2. Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack truck up.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 17mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on face and arms in process. Start swearing.
11. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up, crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through the filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy show up--finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can see his new garage door opener work.
18. Sunday--skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan of old oil out from under truck. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. Nope--drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to liquor store, buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 10.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with the drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under truck, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboard in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December '92 in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop bleeding.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower truck from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new oil.
44. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive truck.
47. Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Truck gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50 DUI $2500 Impound fee $75 Bail $1500 Beer $40 Total: $4165.00
BUT, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the job was done right...right?
For Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when mileage reaches 3000 miles since last change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee
3. 15-30 minutes later, write a check and leave
Money spent: Oil change $30 Coffee $1 Total $31
For Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, "kitty litter", hand cleaner, and a scented tree--write a check for $50
2. Stop by liquor store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Jack truck up.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 17mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splashing hot oil on face and arms in process. Start swearing.
11. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
12. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up, crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through the filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Buddy show up--finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can see his new garage door opener work.
18. Sunday--skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan of old oil out from under truck. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. Nope--drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to liquor store, buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 10.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with the drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30. Drink beer.
31. Crawl under truck, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboard in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December '92 in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop bleeding.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower truck from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush remaining case of new oil.
44. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive truck.
47. Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Truck gets impounded.
49. Call loving wife, make bail.
50. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50 DUI $2500 Impound fee $75 Bail $1500 Beer $40 Total: $4165.00
BUT, you have the satisfaction of knowing that the job was done right...right?
