I am dealing with this exact issue as I write this.. and I'll tell you what I'm doing about it.
1. To find out your STOCK gear ratio, look in the driver's door jamb and you will see a sticker with a barcode and a bunch of numbers and codes. Then go to this website and compare the code for your gears:
http://toyota.off-road.com/toyota/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=274535
If you have a V6 w/ 31" tires, it is likely (but not surely) a 4.56 ratio. My code was "G254" which meant I did indeed have a 4.56.
If you have any reason to believe that a previous owner has regeared it different from stock.. you will either have to jack one tire up and count it.. or open up the diff and count the teeth.
2. My problem was/is a bad ring and pinion in my rear diff. A new ring and pinion set plus pinion bearings and the labor to fix it was going to cost me quite a bit. What I decided to do was to use this as an opportunity to put an electronic locker in my truck. I have one on its way in from a salvage yard - and the entire 3rd member cost me 500 bucks - and is actually the entire 3rd member with differential installed. It only requires slight modifications and a wiring harness.
In the end, it's going to cost me slightly more... but if you do any offroading at all, the locker will be more than worth it.
3. The 3rd member from your other truck will most likely work.. as long as they have the same gear ratio. If a vehicle's front and rear diffs have different ratios - when you engage 4WD they will turn at different speeds and nothing short of disaster will ensue.
The website above has a good chart detailing how to determine what the gears were from the factory. Remember.. a previous owner may have regeared it.
Let me know if you have any more questions. I am a newb when it comes to this, so I have been researching info on this problem quite a bit lately. My problem is also involving a 1990 T4R V6 Manual trans