Funniest One-Liners

[1engineer]

"Yes she is my trophy wife. She finished in third place."

 

[BucknutBob]

Children are like mosquitoes--the minute they stop making noise, they are into something.

 

[Quatre Coureur]

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not crying and screaming like the ppl in his car.

 

[broncosi]

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you

 

[Dusty Driftwood]

A blond walks into a bar, everyone else ducks

 

[BucknutBob]

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble...

 

[rayjay]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 

[rayjay]

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

 

[BucknutBob]

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

 

[Clone of the Mean]

No one is ever completely worthless, they can always serve as a bad example...

 

[Dusty Driftwood]

They say your memory is the first thing to go, I forget what was second

 

[Satchmo]

I am the product of a mixed- race marriage; my father prefers the 100m and my mother is Pakistani.

 

[Satchmo]

I'm a modern man; I even go about and buy tampons. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

 

[1engineer]

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?


How come abbreviated is such a long word?

 

[Blacksunshyne]

Marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you will love them forever.

 

[Quatre Coureur]

After 20 years of marriage my wife and i are now into hallway sex. We pass eachother in the hallway and say fk you!

 

[Quatre Coureur]

Look buddy, if I wanted to hear from an ahole I would've farted!

 

[graysquirrel]

If you have to clean the crap outta your shorts after, you are not a hero.

 

[BucknutBob]

Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

[mattleegee]

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die