Clever Jokes
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Quatre Coureur
New member
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
The pickpocket snatches your watch... :reddance:
The pickpocket snatches your watch... :reddance:
Kel Varnsen
New member
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow. (you can substitute your insult of choice in place of moron)
When it's ajar.
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow. (you can substitute your insult of choice in place of moron)
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White 4x4runner
New member
Husband animates joke about tortilla chips told by his drunk wife - YouTube
Your all probably going to laugh too hard at this joke.
Your all probably going to laugh too hard at this joke.
KidVermicious
New member
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says "wait, I need to go back to the car, I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yup, I'm positive".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does hamburger have less energy than a steak?
Because it's in a ground state.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A proton, a neutron, and an electron go out to dinner. After they're done, the waiter brings out checks for the proton and electron, but doesn't bring one for the neutron. He waits a bit and then flags the waiter down and asks for his check. The waiter says "no charge for you, sir".
"Are you sure?"
"Yup, I'm positive".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does hamburger have less energy than a steak?
Because it's in a ground state.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A proton, a neutron, and an electron go out to dinner. After they're done, the waiter brings out checks for the proton and electron, but doesn't bring one for the neutron. He waits a bit and then flags the waiter down and asks for his check. The waiter says "no charge for you, sir".
CookieRoe
Senior Member
DOCTOR VS ENGINEER:
Found this, thought it was funny:
There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job, so he decided to open a medical clinic.
And outside the clinic, he put a sign: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated well get back $1,000.”
This may sound a bit strange to you, but the engineer kept his words for his Doctor-patient.
One doctor read this statement outside engineer’s clinic and thought in his mind that this is an excellent opportunity to earn $1,000 and hence, he went to his clinic.
Doctor said: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer replied: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor then said: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
The doctor said, “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer replied to the Doctor, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor then said, “But this is $500…”
Engineer with a smile asked Doctor, “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Found this, thought it was funny:
There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job, so he decided to open a medical clinic.
And outside the clinic, he put a sign: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated well get back $1,000.”
This may sound a bit strange to you, but the engineer kept his words for his Doctor-patient.
One doctor read this statement outside engineer’s clinic and thought in his mind that this is an excellent opportunity to earn $1,000 and hence, he went to his clinic.
Doctor said: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer replied: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor then said: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
The doctor said, “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer replied to the Doctor, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor then said, “But this is $500…”
Engineer with a smile asked Doctor, “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Ray Dunakin
Senior Member
A chemist, an engineer, and a mathematician are stranded on a tiny island. A crate washes ashore, and they are thrilled to discover it contains canned food. So the discuss ways to open the cans.
The chemist offers ways that they could use the salinity of the sea water to corrode the metal. The engineer says he has a better idea, and suggests dropping the can from a tree onto a rock. The two go back and forth over who's approach would work the best. Finally the mathematician speaks up.
"Gentlemen, I have a much more elegant solution! First, assume a can opener..."
The chemist offers ways that they could use the salinity of the sea water to corrode the metal. The engineer says he has a better idea, and suggests dropping the can from a tree onto a rock. The two go back and forth over who's approach would work the best. Finally the mathematician speaks up.
"Gentlemen, I have a much more elegant solution! First, assume a can opener..."
AZ07Runner
Member
What do you get when you throw a grenade into a french kitchen?
Linoleum blown apart!
Linoleum blown apart!
Beaumont67
New member
A Cowboys Tombstone:
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larson had inscribed on his headstone in Logan Utah. He died knowing that he would someday win the…“Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
It’s important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
It’s important to have a women who can make you laugh.
It’s important to have a women you can trust and does’t lie to you.
It’s important to have a women who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
---------------------------
The Church Lady:
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why, yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
restaurant in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a ****tail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday
School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to
stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right
then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next
morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them,
'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larson had inscribed on his headstone in Logan Utah. He died knowing that he would someday win the…“Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE
It’s important to have a women who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
It’s important to have a women who can make you laugh.
It’s important to have a women you can trust and does’t lie to you.
It’s important to have a women who is good in bed and likes to be with you.
It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
---------------------------
The Church Lady:
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her.
He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why, yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
restaurant in that part of South Carolina .
When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a ****tail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday
School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to
stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right
then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next
morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them,
'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
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trailtruck
New member
A new shipmate joins onto a pirate ship and the first mate is showing him the ropes. He tells the new sailor, "don't ask the captain about his hook, patch, or peg leg. you'll regret it."
The new sailor proves his salt and gets promoted quickly, at which point he approaches the captain full of confidence and respectfully asks the story of the peg leg, the hook, and the eye patch.
captain: "alright, only because you've done well. I got the peg leg after a battle with another ship that we seized control of. I got knocked off the plank after he fell when I stabbed him in the heart and killed him. Then a shark bit my leg off but not before I stabbed it too."
sailor: "what happened with the hook?"
captain: "well, I was in another battle where we seized a small island and I was holding my own against 3 pirates when a 4th came up beside me and cut my sword hand off. I finished off the other 3 with my sword in my other hand and shot the 4th dead."
sailor: "wow! that's incredible! I bet the eye patch an exciting story too. what happened?"
captain: "yeah I don't really talk about the eye patch"
sailor: "please, you've got to tell me the story. I'm sure even if it isn't as exciting as the other stories it's still interesting."
captain: "it is not interesting. it's rather terrible, but here's what happened. a seagull crapped in my eye."
sailor: "that's all? seagull crap? you couldn't just wipe it out with your hand?"
captain: "it was only my 2nd day getting used to the hook."
The new sailor proves his salt and gets promoted quickly, at which point he approaches the captain full of confidence and respectfully asks the story of the peg leg, the hook, and the eye patch.
captain: "alright, only because you've done well. I got the peg leg after a battle with another ship that we seized control of. I got knocked off the plank after he fell when I stabbed him in the heart and killed him. Then a shark bit my leg off but not before I stabbed it too."
sailor: "what happened with the hook?"
captain: "well, I was in another battle where we seized a small island and I was holding my own against 3 pirates when a 4th came up beside me and cut my sword hand off. I finished off the other 3 with my sword in my other hand and shot the 4th dead."
sailor: "wow! that's incredible! I bet the eye patch an exciting story too. what happened?"
captain: "yeah I don't really talk about the eye patch"
sailor: "please, you've got to tell me the story. I'm sure even if it isn't as exciting as the other stories it's still interesting."
captain: "it is not interesting. it's rather terrible, but here's what happened. a seagull crapped in my eye."
sailor: "that's all? seagull crap? you couldn't just wipe it out with your hand?"
captain: "it was only my 2nd day getting used to the hook."
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'
'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'
'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'
Jimmy_D
Member
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Jimmy_D
Member
The following are comments from employee evaluation reports ...
*I would not allow this employee to procreate.
*Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
*This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
*This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
*This employee could go far, and the sooner that process begins, the better.
*Made it into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't paying attention.
*A room temperature IQ.
*Seems to be operating with a full six-pack, however, appears to lack the
plastic thingy holding it all together.
*A photographic memory, but with the lens cover still on.
*A prime candidate for natural deselection.
*One-celled organisms consistently outscore him on IQ tests.
*Fell out of the family tree, apparently with a precise cranial landing.
*He's so dense that light bends around him.
*If he displayed any less native intelligence, he'd need to be watered twice a
week.
*If you stand in close proximity to him, you can actually hear the ocean.
*It's hard to believe he beat out l,000,000 other sperm.
*One neuron short of a synapse.
*I would not allow this employee to procreate.
*Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
*This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
*This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
*This employee could go far, and the sooner that process begins, the better.
*Made it into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't paying attention.
*A room temperature IQ.
*Seems to be operating with a full six-pack, however, appears to lack the
plastic thingy holding it all together.
*A photographic memory, but with the lens cover still on.
*A prime candidate for natural deselection.
*One-celled organisms consistently outscore him on IQ tests.
*Fell out of the family tree, apparently with a precise cranial landing.
*He's so dense that light bends around him.
*If he displayed any less native intelligence, he'd need to be watered twice a
week.
*If you stand in close proximity to him, you can actually hear the ocean.
*It's hard to believe he beat out l,000,000 other sperm.
*One neuron short of a synapse.
Jimmy_D
Member
A first grade teacher, Ms. Adams, was having a bit of trouble with one of her students. She asked him, "Edward, what seems to be your problem?" He replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade, and I'm much smarter than she is!! I think I should be in the third grade as well!"
This went on for several days until the teacher had reached her limit so she took Edward to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, Ms. Adams explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her he would give the boy a verbal test, and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly he would send him back to her class with instructions to behave himself.
Ms. Adams agreed. Edward was escorted in and the conditions were explained to him. He agreed to take the test, and to abide by it's outcome.
Principal: "When do we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence?"
Edward: "July 4th."
Principal: "What is 6 x 8 ?"
Edward: "48."
Principal: "What is the Capital of Canada?"
Edward: "Ottawa"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know the answer to. The principal looked at Ms. Adams and informed her, "I think Edward can go on to the third grade. I'll arrange for the transfer." Ms. Adams responded by saying, "Let me ask him a few questions just to make sure he's ready." The principal and Edward both agreed.
Ms. Adams: "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?"
Edward (after a slight pause): "Legs".
Ms. Adams: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have in mine?" The principal's eyes opened wide, but before he could manage to speak,
Edward replied, "Pockets.".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said "Let's go ahead and put Eddie in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."
This went on for several days until the teacher had reached her limit so she took Edward to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, Ms. Adams explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her he would give the boy a verbal test, and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly he would send him back to her class with instructions to behave himself.
Ms. Adams agreed. Edward was escorted in and the conditions were explained to him. He agreed to take the test, and to abide by it's outcome.
Principal: "When do we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence?"
Edward: "July 4th."
Principal: "What is 6 x 8 ?"
Edward: "48."
Principal: "What is the Capital of Canada?"
Edward: "Ottawa"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know the answer to. The principal looked at Ms. Adams and informed her, "I think Edward can go on to the third grade. I'll arrange for the transfer." Ms. Adams responded by saying, "Let me ask him a few questions just to make sure he's ready." The principal and Edward both agreed.
Ms. Adams: "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?"
Edward (after a slight pause): "Legs".
Ms. Adams: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have in mine?" The principal's eyes opened wide, but before he could manage to speak,
Edward replied, "Pockets.".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said "Let's go ahead and put Eddie in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions."
BlackWorksInc
New member
If I can impart any advice to you younger folk, it's that there's 3 things to know when you get older:
-Your memory starts to go
...
-I forgot the other two.
~
Told by my almost 100yr step-grandfather.
-Your memory starts to go
...
-I forgot the other two.
~
Told by my almost 100yr step-grandfather.
turbo8
Member
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be punished twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. As he looks up at the release mechanism, he says: ''Ah ha, I see the problem."...
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