Depression

[BlackWorksInc]

Heh, I'll have to consider going to the gym. I used to be pretty in shape in college when I was pole vaulting, but they cut me because of my dislocating shoulder (even though I was still doing damn well, all because some quack made a funny noise from my shoulder and they just dropped me like a rock) and that hit me very hard psychologically. Last time I went to the gym I ended up doing more harm than good because I have this "cripple factor" in my head so I expect myself to be 4 times better than everyone else no matter if my shoulder is falling out of my socket or my muscles fail on me or I bleed out on the gym floor; I still better have herculean strength to prove I'm not damaged (hurray for negative feedback loops). I'm trying to get in the right mindset to exercise and not use it as an excuse to physically punish myself for what ever twisted self-hatred I have going on in my head.

Its nice to know some people can relate, my job has been throwing me and a couple coworkers under the bus lately and basically due to our current set of managers it is getting to become very very slimy and it gets harder and harder to do my job without feeling like I am being dishonest to myself. I try really hard not to let the stuff at work get to me, but I have a sense of self-responsibility, honor, and honesty that make it hard to be crooked and/or not do the right thing.

I don't actually have a significant other at the moment (another long, painful story I'd rather not go into at the moment) and its just me and my cat really(just one for now, haven't gone all cat lady yet!)... though she doesn't seem to want to spend much time with me either these days (typical cat, lol).

My biggest issue these days is just being motivated to do anything in general. I skipped out a couple off-roading trips (actually I haven't been to the shooting range or the dirt since January) mainly due to near-debilitating apathy. I'll get excited about doing something or start to head for the door and by the time I get my keys I'm awash in just "why bother? What's the point? Its too much effort for the inevitable crash from joy..." and I just end up staying home. Its nice to hear from people though who have had similar issues, it helps try to reinforce the small shred of me that still seems to want to actually keep moving forward rather than just being content with this stale, stressful, and depressive period in my life.


I tried spirituality, nothing against those who believe in religions, God and I just don't seem to talk much anymore. I'm mainly agnostic, I don't disbelieve the existance of "God" as many people see him/her/it, but I just find that the only real thing that can be proven and constant is balance (always a light/white/positive, dark/black/negative, and always a neutral/grey where everything meshes and the majority of life seems to live.) Unfortunately my adventures in spirituality end up in a macabre contemplation of the purpose of human life, and the simple nothingness that is death, the eventual destruction and darkness that will envelop all of mankind, the universe, and every last particle as entropy takes over.

To be honest sometimes I feel like the old saying is probably too true; "Ignorance is Bliss." Being someone who is highly analytical, introspective, and has an almost unconscious need to solve puzzles and decipher things leads to thinking about things most people probably never even consider in their entire life. (Not trying to pad my ego here, but I think many people here understand what I mean.)

I know it seems like I make a lot of excuses, I tend to be great at helping everyone around me get their life in order; but apparently being able to analyze and be consciously aware of your negative/broken mental programming isn't enough to actually correct it. I will definantly take a look at all the links you guys posted and try and work up to the suggestions posted, these days I'm just in a holding pattern in my life. I'm not exactly waiting for life to get better, I'm more or less waiting for that brief moment where my mind actually believes in things like hope, happiness, and such; because these days it all seems like BS to me.

For those of you who don't know, or haven't experienced Depression a fellow friend of mine who struggles with depression found that this blogpost did an amazing job of explaining what its like to be depressed. I found it extremely helpful when I had some people ask me "what its like to be depressed?" because many people think its just being "sad all the time," its actually far deeper than that. Anyways, something for you guys to help educate others about Depression if they ask you about it, since you've all been so great to help me out, I figure that maybe other members who are having as difficult a time as I or you guys who posted are can benefit from finding help for themselves and others as well and use this as a reference?)

Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression (part 1)
Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two (part 2)

Post Note-

I'm trying to get a hold of an old therapist I used to see a while ago, he was really the only person I truly trusted enough to talk with and didn't try to treat me as a symptoms list out of the DSM but as an actual person and friend. I spoke with many people who have tried therapy (myself included) who have played the revolving door game with therapists because many aren't trained properly or don't seem to care enough about their patients. Many tend to stick so rigidly to their diagnostic scripts and textbooks that they forget they are talking to a person and as someone who has dealt with these types of therapists all his life, I can tell you that if you're going to treat me like I'm a textbook chapter, I'm going to treat you like the idiot you are; which is why I decided my last therapist was wasting my time as much as hers.

 

[the great him]

i too feel this way from time to time, sometimes im not sure why, i have a loving family two wonderful kids, a great group of friends, God, ect... but there are just some things in life that are out of my control that when they hit, they hit like a ton of bricks... i recently lost my job because of budget cuts... personally i think my job should be done no matter what -i did military funeral honors. but someone somewhere felt it was a luxury and cut the program... so now im without a job, was given less than two weeks notice and yeah boom -now part of my depression is its the holiday season, i didnt save money like i should have, so now im scraping the bottom of the barrel and the work really isnt there... i feel im once again in a rut, i know it will change, but when? there are other stressers too more personal ones that vary between every person.

the other thing that i think gets me sometimes is laziness, sometimes i know there are things i could do, but there are other things that id rather do, or i just dont feel like doing them. part of me is seriously afraid of failure. and i figure if i dont try, i cant fail -thats a terrible attitude to have btw, but i own it. -im even like that with cars and truck sometimes i put things off because i am worried i cant do it or wont be able to do it right.

i am also a very social person, so when i dont interact with people it gets worse, if i could id hang out and BS with people all day. -youd say that get a sales job, yeah i hate trying to sell someone something, i worry too much about what others think or feel(even online sometimes). its hard to be "the real you" in society anymore, we have been fed this lie that X, Y, and Z is how we should all be, but in reality there is the entire alphabet and when we dont fit into the X,Y, and Z we are looked appon as strange and no one wants to be strange or different...

idk, i say your normal man everyone has it, only most are too afraid of saying it, and want to be tough and play the Conan role... well even Conan was depressed and being all tough and rough didnt fix his depression there was still the void...

i agree with others who say find a hobby or something that intrests you, who knows maybe that means go back to school part time for a night class, or something, or pick up a new interest, try something new.

 

[CXS]

This is my 3rd try at replying. My other attempts included too much family information that is not mine to share. Will's advice is excellent and I echo what he posted. My story is like many already posted, I suffer from depression and accept it for what it is. My brothers and my kids do too. Our mantra has become "embrace the meds" as almost all of us have found the right one for ourselves and oddly, different from each other. I'm not about to debate the pros and cons of medication but they do work. Unfortunately it can be hard to find the right one or combination to work for each of us.

You need to find a doc you can talk to and trust, groups can help but I'm a believer that depression is largely a chemical imbalance that can be re-balanced.

Hang in there, keep searching and you'll find what works for yourself with the help of experts. Don't try to go it alone, that simply doesn't work.

 

[alaskaman]

Like other members, I say your courage at opening up is helpful and your strengths are there.

I struggled with major depression for many many years. The early years were bad. It got easier and as I got older I was able to separate for the situations which led to my feeling hopeless. I found that the SSRI meds were very helpful for the chemical imbalance but the KEY for me was to get out amongst other people. I would sit at market cafes start conversations with others and refused to isolate myself. It was easily one of the bardest things to do and the gym did help. Eating well, sleeping at least 7 hours and drinking a healthy water (not tap) also was helpful.

Now as an R.N. for twenty years I can tell you for certain that these actions and talking with someone was very helpful. Keep your chin up. I can hear the strengths in you as you write. Grasp this challenge and succeed over time. It seems like another lifetime now for me but I walked it and walked out of it.

 

[1engineer]

Its not about helping others get happy. Its about carrying a bag of groceries for someone, opening a door, helping someone learn to read, riding a bike around the block. Baby steps man. Even if nobody ever thanks you for helping YOU know you did a good deed, and it feels good inside. Both my wife and I try to do one good thing for someone a day even if its just opening a door or picking up a package. Please try it.

To the poster above who carries a note: I do too from my wife. Its engraved on a dog tag. It says "If I am knocked out please call Mrs. 1Engineer at 555-XXXX" lol. Its for when I ride the trails alone. Too many accidents I guess.

 

[Kmvreter]

Thanks for opening up to us.
Lots of good ideas offered. I'd like to suggest another that has helped for my sister. Keep the cat if you want but get a (bigger) dog that needs to get out to do it's thing. This leads to a forced routine to get outside and gives options for exercise (walking, running, hiking.)
Best of luck.

 

[t4r4life]

you guys are brave, i can never tell something like this to anybody, i dealt with depression in my late teens till earlier this year, and no one knows about it not even my parents or my best friends, im only telling you guys because the likelihood of us meeting is slim, and even then i stared at this message for at least 30 mins now trying to decide if i should post. i put up a very good front, to everyone else i was a jolly happy guy, but inside i was messed up, i was drinking, doing drugs, smoking cigarettes like a chimney, i felt like death every morning when i wake up. then one day after watching some youtube videos made by elliott hulse and frank yang, both brilliant philosophers and weight lifters. i decide to go back to my old hobby of weight lifting, i got very serious with it, and got on to the journey of becoming the strongest version of myself, mentally and physically. eventually i start to get healthy, i drank less, smoked less, cut out drugs and people that are bad influence in my life, start to get into more hobbies. i hate to say this but the best person to help you get out of depression is yourself, it's very hard to accept help from people when you don't want to fix the problem yourself. sometimes you just have to look at the bigger picture, and do what's best for you, believe in yourself, stick to your gut feeling, don't over think it, don't fear it, just do it.
Here are a couple of videos that helped me, check it out.

 

[HHIRunner]

Many people posted about how they had depression issues in their late teens, I'm in the thick of that right now and to be quite honest right now is the first time I've ever told anyone, nor do I plan to. I have been to therapy in the past for other reasons, and to be quite honest it did more harm than good. Because rather than being able to move on and forget, I was forced to talk my way through it which really just implanted that event further into my mind where I have now reached the point that I will never forget nor forgive. I feel like for me whenever something starts to get better all the sudden something changes and everything is back to being terrible. At the end of my Sophomore year in High School I could no longer deal with the situation I was in and had actually reached the point where I would go entire school days without saying a single word. That caused me to change schools to a school where I get a much worse education, however while I'm no longer ridiculed I have become basically unable to have a social life and make friends, and I can honestly say I have only one real friend on this earth with whom I've grown up with since the age of 4. I have reached the point where the only thing I really look forward to is graduating high school and going somewhere and never coming back to this island. However I actually have done a lot of work to distract myself from the pain. Joining this forum has done more for me than I can even comprehend because it gives me something to focus on and do to keep my mind off of whatever is bothering me at the time by simply researching suspensions or looking into bumpers. That and writing have been the most helpful to me. There was a night at my worst where I stayed up and wrote an entire book. The biggest problem for me, is that I know exactly why, when, and how this all started for me and it is something I will likely never forget as it was one mistake that literally changed everything about my life. And I honestly am hopeful, I feel that if I move some place else and get in with the right people and make real friends that I can change everything and be fine within a matter of months, but living on an island with only about 250 or so kids my age, everyone knows everything and it is therefore impossible for me to move on while I'm here. I feel like I know exactly what I have to do to put this behind me but I can't. It's just like how the people who give the best advice don't know how to use it themselves. I can talk the talk but can't walk the walk and take the next step. And now I have successfully stared at this post for at least 30 minutes deciding if I'm actually going to post it or not and I'm constantly reminded how everything that I have endured could easily be put behind me if I didn't have so much time to waste on thinking about it and remembering things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. And also many of y'all mentioned that gym as being helpful, but that has not been the case for me I have been lifting for about a year now and have gained maybe 5 pounds and barely any strength as I'm still the scrawny weak 138 lb. kid I've always been. But anyways I guess at this point the best thing I can do is hit the submit reply button.

 

[t4r4life]

Many people posted about how they had depression issues in their late teens, I'm in the thick of that right now and to be quite honest right now is the first time I've ever told anyone, nor do I plan to. I have been to therapy in the past for other reasons, and to be quite honest it did more harm than good. Because rather than being able to move on and forget, I was forced to talk my way through it which really just implanted that event further into my mind where I have now reached the point that I will never forget nor forgive. I feel like for me whenever something starts to get better all the sudden something changes and everything is back to being terrible. At the end of my Sophomore year in High School I could no longer deal with the situation I was in and had actually reached the point where I would go entire school days without saying a single word. That caused me to change schools to a school where I get a much worse education, however while I'm no longer ridiculed I have become basically unable to have a social life and make friends, and I can honestly say I have only one real friend on this earth with whom I've grown up with since the age of 4. I have reached the point where the only thing I really look forward to is graduating high school and going somewhere and never coming back to this island. However I actually have done a lot of work to distract myself from the pain. Joining this forum has done more for me than I can even comprehend because it gives me something to focus on and do to keep my mind off of whatever is bothering me at the time by simply researching suspensions or looking into bumpers. That and writing have been the most helpful to me. There was a night at my worst where I stayed up and wrote an entire book. The biggest problem for me, is that I know exactly why, when, and how this all started for me and it is something I will likely never forget as it was one mistake that literally changed everything about my life. And I honestly am hopeful, I feel that if I move some place else and get in with the right people and make real friends that I can change everything and be fine within a matter of months, but living on an island with only about 250 or so kids my age, everyone knows everything and it is therefore impossible for me to move on while I'm here. I feel like I know exactly what I have to do to put this behind me but I can't. It's just like how the people who give the best advice don't know how to use it themselves. I can talk the talk but can't walk the walk and take the next step. And now I have successfully stared at this post for at least 30 minutes deciding if I'm actually going to post it or not and I'm constantly reminded how everything that I have endured could easily be put behind me if I didn't have so much time to waste on thinking about it and remembering things that I wouldn't wish on anyone. And also many of y'all mentioned that gym as being helpful, but that has not been the case for me I have been lifting for about a year now and have gained maybe 5 pounds and barely any strength as I'm still the scrawny weak 138 lb. kid I've always been. But anyways I guess at this point the best thing I can do is hit the submit reply button.

Hey man i can relate, doing new hobbies can really help to keep yourself busy, for me i got into motorcycles, Photography, powerlifting, wheeling which open the window for a whole another group of people and friends. If you ever need any help with gym shoot me a pm, my self esteem skyrocketed after i got in better shape and made some big gains, im sure it can help you as well.

 

[alaskaman]

These heart felt posts really mean a great deal I think to the OP. Sometimes depression can indeed be caused by the wrong circumstances and moving away can be a good move.

There was a line from the group Yes from the song "Yours Is No Disgrace" which went.

"lost in losing circumstances that's just where you are"

I took it to mean that its not about you don't judge or be harsh on yourself just get to better situations. It helped me understand that things happen it's not your fault….

Now 60, I can say the teenage years and twenties for men can be very hard to figure all this out. It gets easier….it does. My life began to come together in my 30's.

Have Faith. Keep driving.

 

[absolute yota]

Black works , I've been there too and will most likely be there again at some point. I'm not trying to repeat the same stuff as everyone else but honestly, the advice is solid. I quit my job 6 years ago to start my own bussiness. I divorced my wife, I reunited with my high school sweetheart and had 2 sons with her. I took up offroading on a weekly basis, learned all about trucks and repairing them. I frequent the shooting range, I tried kick boxing, working out, drinking, drugs, sex, money, work and everything else under the sun. Basically I completely changed my life. It helped to make it a busy, hectic, full life. You need to find what makes you happy. Without change you can't find that. I still have deep depression especially this time of year when its always dark and cold. But I have so many reasons too keep going. That's not what I call a cure for depression , but it helps. Keep busy !

 

[jwyshrek]

Sorry to hear man...I've been through some of that myself. There are no easy answers as everyone's situation is different.

What helped me was getting out...cross country road trip, traveling, change of scenery (moved from Cali to Tennessee) and skydiving. As strange as it may sound, doing something that scares you can help (helped me) put things in perspective...also, food tasted great afterwards. But that is short lived. What really kept me from going over was the birth of my son...I have to be there for him.

I hope you find what you are looking for...hope you find peace.

I leave you with this...

R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts (Official Music Video) - YouTube

 

[dapslappy]

brain scan

I'm not entirely sure how to start this thread, this is one of many attempts to actually write up a thread like this (the last step of submitting it seems to prove the most difficult part.) Pretty much no one on this forum save for a couple of people who briefly spoke with me on a trail ride or meet, know me beyond my technical posts and attempts to help members with their vehicles. I'm not entirely sure how much I feel comfortable divulging, so here goes...

I have Severe Clinical Depression and Asperger's Syndrome.

I've just basically been more or less stagnant. I find it more and more difficult to find motivation in anything. I'm just at a point now where it honestly feels like I should just give up and accept that it'll always get worse and that's just how it is?

I am sure there are others out there like me that struggle with Depression and other disorders and find themselves in the same difficulty I am in now; so I'm opening the floor to you...

Yup. I know. Truly. It just wears you down.
I am sorry you are feeling so sad. I am sorry you have been feeling this way for so long. It is not your fault. I know this doesn't solve the problem but I think it is important that you understand it is not your fault.
What you NEED to do is get a brain scan. Amen Clinics | Brain Imaging, Therapy, and Treatments. The founders last name just happens to be Amen, it is not a religious thing. This has been a total complete absolute game changer for me. total complete absolute game changer. It is the same as an X-ray for a broken bone or an MRI for a dislocated shoulder. It is a diagnostic tool for the brain. It is a real time image of your brain in its dynamic state. It is a picture of your brain's health. It shows how fast and slow its various activity centers are running. Some may be running too hot, some may be running too cold. It is fascinating stuff.
What you have is a brain chemistry issue. I am stating this as clearly and unequivocally as I am able. Your issue is not behavioral, or circumstantial, or a matter of willpower, or not enough exercise, or whatever thing anyone else says instead of brain chemistry. Your brain is not healthy. You need to literally get your head examined, not by a therapist, not by a psychologist, not via a questionnaire, not through traditional clinical diagnosis.
Just as an X-ray is used to determine if a bone is broken, a SPECT scan will determine which areas of your brain are broken. You need not be worn down to nothing by the depression. Get a brain scan. Make an appt at the closest Amen clinic location and go get a scan.

 

[pacho]

try the following:
1.)make sure you religiously take daily your vitamin/mineral supplements. google which vitamins/supplements are good for the brain(when the brain is lacking in something, it manifests this deficiency as depression, or mental illnesses. having said that, there are mental issues that are largely genetic -thats a tougher nut, but at least nutritional supplements for the brain should help to a certain degree
2.) get enough sunshine. survey have shown that countries or states with less sunshine have higher depression rates ...or move to sunshine state:
http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/sunshine-for-sad-sufferers
3.) make sure your house is bright and cheerful - no heavy drapes -try light colored curtains to let in the daylight into the house, maybe a sunroof, and no dreary colors in the house - e.g.
Pink prisons in Switzerland to calm inmates - Telegraph
4.) play cheerful music - no sad love songs in the 4runner or house(throw all sad songs in the garbage). play military music or dance music. watch comedies !!!
5. Avoid negative people. join groups, join the gym, play teamsports.
6.if your spouse or relative, friend is dragging you down and abusing you, then dump them.
7. work outdoors - clean the yard, work on the truck, paint the house, plant vegetables and fruits, hike, jog,
8. keep the mind busy-read an engrossing book , chase women perhaps(?) dont let you mind be idle and wander to sad thoughts.
9. It helps a lot to have a cheerful/strong and supportive spouse, and if your single, go get a partner or at least a dog or pet. Don't live alone(unless your mental/brain is ok) ,e.g.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/19/6-ways-pets-relieve-depression/
hope that helps somewhat . above all dont hide your condition-seek help. God bless !

 

[BrianSD_42]

Just as an X-ray is used to determine if a bone is broken, a SPECT scan will determine which areas of your brain are broken. You need not be worn down to nothing by the depression. Get a brain scan.

Ok so I ask this seriously ...

How it's this going to help? Will the doctor say "I see X post of your brain is abi-normal, take this exact drug" ? I mean OP already knows he is depressed. He already knows he is struggling. How does the scan *specifically help with treatment?

Edit ... I will watch the ted talk. Im just curious because I wasn't aware that treatment methods had advanced very much in the last 5 years.

///

Op said he rarely does physical exercise. Getting on a good solid 5 days a week exercise routine and eating as healthy (not vegi but at least ditch ALL fast food and junk food, snacks, soda etc) as possible would probably be a great place to start.

 

[BlackWorksInc]

I'm a little intrigued by the brain scan idea, I've read some recent studies on using it as a diagnostic technique but I am not aware of it really being vetted yet. Another issue may be my Asperger's as my brain is fundamentally wired differently than say a normal person's because Autistic Spectrum Disorders aren't just chemical imbalances.

I did feedback therapy long ago when I was younger, it was an interesting experience and I think it did help some when I was a youngin' so I'm open to oddball ideas.

I hate bright places, always have... symptom of many Autistic Spectrum Disorders is light and sound sensitivity (I can hear part of dog whistles and high frequency noise most people can't).

I have my father coming into town for Thanksgiving which is something I am actually looking forward to as I rarely see him and enjoy our talks, so that's something I guess. My work schedule is so stupidly chaotic right now thanks to our "brilliant" service manager (apparently I'm the only guy at the entire dealership that has to be at work at 3 different time schedules through out the week among other BS) that I don't even have time for coffee most days let along much else in the mornings. I really need a vacation, so I'm looking into taking a couple weeks off in January to relax in Tahoe, but our family's cabin is being remodeled so I have no place to stay up there and most hotels are ridiculously expensive... so probably no vacation this year... like last year.

 

[dapslappy]

Ok so I ask this seriously ...

How it's this going to help? Will the doctor say "I see X post of your brain is abi-normal, take this exact drug" ?

yes, that's how it works.

 

[dapslappy]

brain scan

I'm a little intrigued by the brain scan idea, I've read some recent studies on using it as a diagnostic technique but I am not aware of it really being vetted yet. Another issue may be my Asperger's as my brain is fundamentally wired differently than say a normal person's because Autistic Spectrum Disorders aren't just chemical imbalances.

Your mind is working fine. Your ability to think and reason is normal. Your brain, which is an organ like a pancreas or kidney, is not functioning as intended. It is out of whack and needs tending to. First step is an accurate diagnosis.
Your Asperger's will not be a problem re brain scan. In fact, you will probably gain some insight into the particulars of your variation of Asperger's.

 

[eddiebx]

I'm a little intrigued by the brain scan idea, I've read some recent studies on using it as a diagnostic technique but I am not aware of it really being vetted yet. Another issue may be my Asperger's as my brain is fundamentally wired differently than say a normal person's because Autistic Spectrum Disorders aren't just chemical imbalances.

I did feedback therapy long ago when I was younger, it was an interesting experience and I think it did help some when I was a youngin' so I'm open to oddball ideas.

I hate bright places, always have... symptom of many Autistic Spectrum Disorders is light and sound sensitivity (I can hear part of dog whistles and high frequency noise most people can't).

I have my father coming into town for Thanksgiving which is something I am actually looking forward to as I rarely see him and enjoy our talks, so that's something I guess. My work schedule is so stupidly chaotic right now thanks to our "brilliant" service manager (apparently I'm the only guy at the entire dealership that has to be at work at 3 different time schedules through out the week among other BS) that I don't even have time for coffee most days let along much else in the mornings. I really need a vacation, so I'm looking into taking a couple weeks off in January to relax in Tahoe, but our family's cabin is being remodeled so I have no place to stay up there and most hotels are ridiculously expensive... so probably no vacation this year... like last year.

Just an uneducated opinion here, but what it sounds like you could benefit from is a change of pace. We all go through these times when you're stuck doing the same thing day in day out, and it just gets irritating. +1 on the vacation idea, if I was in your shoes I'd make it an effort to go on one especially because you skipped last years. If Tahoe is too expensive, find something cheaper

Getting away for even just a few days to clear your mind would probably do wonders, no matter the destination.

 

[piccrazy30]

I agree with the last post…..a change of pace can make a difference. I too have had depression for a long time. After trying different meds we finally found one thats "helps". I still have lots of days that just suck.

We have our own business that we run out of our house, so its always the same scenery. Some days it just drives me insane. If I can get out of the house and go for a drive and just drive, it makes me feel better.

Its makes it harder when others around you don't understand what your going through. For a long time my mom didn't even believe depression was a real disease.

Just a thought, this is the worst time of the year for me, when we change the clocks and its dark way too early. Does the time change bother you?

It is very cool to see people open up to help others out!! This might sound funny but try it…..open a map of your state, close your eyes and stick you finger on the map. Where ever your finger lands go to that place….take a road trip even just the weekend and explore a new place!!