Need relationship advice

[Schooler]

Since this forum is filled with more guys than girls, I choose to offer my problem here.

My boyfriend and I have a house in NC which is currently empty because we are living supposedly temporarily in TN while we do some work out here. My boyfriend is really quite controlling sometimes and I find myself giving in to things which, in hind sight, I wish I hadn't. For example, I go to NC every other week to see my daughter. I actually just drive 2 hours to NC, pick her up, and drive b2 hours back to TN. Then when I take her back 3 days later, I do the same. If it were left up to me, it would be much easier on the mind, the wallet, and the butt to stay in NC but my boyfriend just goes insane when I am not around.

This weekend he went with me to NC and was supposed to work out there. I am studying for a test so I had planned to stay at the house with my daughter. The first thing he does is want me to go with him to work. So I go with him, he meets a guy who is working with him and asks that guy to do the whole thing, then he wants to go back to the house. Now it just happens to start snowing, so it is too damn cold to do anything. He mopes around the house asking "what are we going to do?" I feel like he is always expecting me to entertain him when he is bored. Then he just leaves without telling me where he is going and doesn't come back for hours. (He was at a male friends house but by not the lack of communication he is being an incredible hipocrite)

This morning, of course he has nothing to do. He mopes around saying that we should go back to TN. This is a man who gets convictions and sticks to them. If he is unhappy, then everyone is. So I give in, I take my daughter back to her dad's house early, and we drive back to TN. On the way back he bitches about my truck being silent because my radio got stolen. I really try to keep a positive attitude about all this because if I start to bitch too, things will really get messy. So after we arrive in TN, I go back to studying for my test and what does he do? Gets on the computer and looks at porn practically all day. I realize that this is most likely because men want to have sex when they are bored b/c it is this best thing for bordom, and he didn't want to bother me...but was it worth losing time with my daughter just so he could go look at porn???

Well this is not the end of it yet. He makes a call to an ex-girlfriend who he was with for 8 years. She is appparently getting kicked out of her house and needs a place to stay so she wants to stay at our house. (This is a girl I have never met, have never spoken to, but we probably know a lot about each other through my boyfriend) So he just says that she can move in the house next Sunday without even mentioning it to me. Now I'm pissed and I am going to say something about it. I feel like my personal life is being invaded! So we ended up getting in a mini-argument about how he feels deprived of female attention because well, girls are girls. This is the defense that always comes up whenever I challenge anything that he wants to do. I can respect that he needs outside female attention but where do I draw the line?

I feel like I have been railroaded into a freakin' slave to a controlling sex-crazed freak! I want some honest opinions from you guys out there because I am really trying to understand you all. You have to give me some credit. And don't tell me to dump him, that is really not an option right now (ie. business, house-in progress, $)

 

[TranceKrayz]

Well I was going to tell you to dump him, but i read the last line. Honestly, and with all due respect, the guy just sounds like an ass. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you or your daughter. I won't be surprised if he cheats on you with his ex-girlfriend when she moves in. We've all seen where these stories go, and it really saddens me to see women who take this kind of abuse.

I say you need to stand up for yourself. If you can't dump him, then be firm with him. Tell him his ex-girlfirend cannot move it (and make sure that's a demand). You need to make sure that you get your 50% out of this relationship. Think about your daughter...you need to be with her. She should be the most important person in your life...not this other ass. This guy is getting in between you two, and that is absolutely rediculous. I'm sorry if I may sound mean or insulting, but i'm certainly not insulting you. I just hate guys like the one you just described to me. Good luck with your relationship and remember that your daughter needs you.

 

[momo.75]

Actually dumping him is an option and one that you should seriously think about. Just from the first paragraph I can tell you are being abused. It might not be physically, but mentally. This guy is obviously insecure and is using you for security at his convenience. There are always other options, it is just whether or not you have the will to get out of a bad situation. Your daughter should be your first priority and not this clown. Surfing porn all day, wanting his ex of 8 years to come stay with you guys is completely unexceptable. Of course I have looked at porn, but it is not all that frequent because I am in aloving relationship and respect my wife. I have outside female attention, but it is just that OUTSIDE attention with people I work with and friends. My wife is well aware of all my female friends. I would nver disrespect her by having an old girlfriend stay with us. If one of my ex's really was in trouble I would put her up in a hotel only after talking it over with my wife.

Bottom line, your daughter is the main thing. If things continued to go the way they are, you might as well call Jerry Springer......I am not trying to make fun of your situation, but think about what you are saying. He is controlling, he surfs porn all day, and his ex might come live with you.

Good luck.

 

[EDGE]

I thought it was manditory for all female members to post pics of themselves in swimwear:girl: joking

now to make a point, I agree with the others, guys a spaz who is mentally abusing you, don't tell me he's looking at porn and then looking for sex, you got to drop this guy.

I take it you where a package deal, he knew about your girl, from what you say he is not to fond of her, seems like your boyfriend is more of an adoptive son with a mental diability then a BF who know how to treat a good women, I've never dated a girl with a kid but if I was him and I knew you had to study I would go get your kid and surprise you.

Your problem is your sleeping with the enemy, mixing business and your personal life is complicated especially with the all mighty dollar.

I don't know your level of love involvement but I will say you having to check in constantly and him just leaving without saying a word is messed up, that shows he's abusing you, he's just gonna keep doing more and more and you not saying anything cause he know you will let him get away with it and then it will get worse and worse, honestly this only sounds like the beginning of worse to come.

This guy is letting an X of 8 years come stay at the house, please if my GF was like yeah my X is gonna come live with us I'd tell her it's over if he steps foot in the house, and 8 years their has to be a reason why they had so much time invested and just broke up, maybe he banged his X before her in their previous place: don't they say history repeats and people don't change

Either sit down and tell him what your not happy with and figure out how you can keep the money issues at peace, your not married but when you do get your check I hope it's 2 that are split 50/50 and not 1 that is going to him in his name in his account and he'll give you some when you need it cause thats just him tryin to control you and he's already doing it well.

Take advantage of the stolen radio and go for a drive and go to a remote location and just let him have it, either he will realize the child he is being and change or find someone new, do you want your daughter to be treated the same way.

Your an intelligent girl with not only yourself but a daughter to look out for, so you hold in your hands the future of 2 people, she will do exactly what you do, do you want your girl to have her loser BF move in with you:arrow:

I know this a is complicated situation and thats my advise and 1 more thing I hope your using birth control with the guy:xnuts:

 

[ToyotaDoodz]

This guy is a spoiled controlling child and still needs a mother. He's a major waste of your time. Dump him. You can never recover lost time with your daughter. She only grows up once.

You asked us not to tell you to dump him when you knew we would. You need to think about that. You already know what to do. Good luck.

 

[PedsFlightRN]

I know you were looking for the male point of view, but this relationship definitely sounds like you need to take some action--NOW!

You need to remember that your 1st priority in life should be you and your child. I know you say you are not in a position right now to leave this man, but I think the longer you stay the less likely you are to leave. He is breaking you down little by little. He has already removed you from your child, family and friends. That is a huge step in making you dependent upon him and controlling you.

You really need to do some soul searching and decide what is best for you and do it. You can always recover from a financial loss. That can't be said for the emotional losses you are already suffering.

 

[Schooler]

Well, like I said I do regret some of the things I do, like taking my daughter back early yesterday. But I really don't know how to bring it up. I'm not a very good speaker and I usually cannot get my point across when speaking especially when it is emotionally charged. If I do bring something up that I am upset about, I cannot anticipate what his reply will be and then I am invarible stuck with nothing to say and cannot get him to understand where I am coming from.

As for the 50 %, I really need to figure out what is counted in that. His ex is planning on moving into the house in NC (we are in TN) and although it is empty now, I do go back there on occasion and about half of my stuff is there. So that is where I feel the invasion. But it is warranted? I basically have two houses which are being paid for by him and I have to pay no rent. I also am a controlling partner in the business, and usually, because I have more expenses, the money is split more on my side. I also hold title to his truck and have an enormous amount of control in the operation of everything which is not involved in the relationship per say.

Now are you coming to a different conclusion? He really does need someone just to take care of him and allow him to live without feeling trapped, and in return I get $, house, business and control of business, workers, and jobs.

As for female attention, he doesn't get any through work. It's a construction company. There are absolutely no females except me to look at (for everyone in the company) So he makes the argument that I get male attention like everyday, and he gets no female attention. So I can really understand that he needs something and neither one of us really have any friends b/c we are always so tied up with work. So, I don't really think that I am being abused but the question remains--is it really fair if one party has control of the business and the other party has control of the relationship?

 

[Thai]

He really does need someone just to take care of him and allow him to live without feeling trapped, and in return I get $, house, business and control of business, workers, and jobs.

Hmm...looks more like a divorce settlement or business deal than a loving relationship. Each of you are in it for the cut of the pie. What you have here is not a relationship but an agreement between the two of you...one gets "female attention", the other gets money. In other words, you guys are in it for convenience, rather than love.

I don't think that anyone of us can give you a good solution because there are none, and we're don't know the whole story. It just comes down to you and what is most important to you (money vs. your daughter).

Good luck in finding a solution for the both of you (and your daughter).

 

[Schooler]

Well it definately is a loving relationship. We are very non-traditional though. We have been together for 4 years and I don't think dumping people left and right just because you have some problems is the answer. If I dump him, then I will just find someone else and it will not be less problems, just different problems. I just want to find a balance where men and women can live peacefully and no one feels trapped or disrespected but we both have our space.

 

[momo.75]

I think I can see where this relationship is going. First you go on about this guy, now you are making excuses for the relationship. You say have have male attention all day at work, so he needs female attention outside of work, which is surfing porn and talking to his ex (of 8 years).

I gues there should be another thread about asking girls what makes them stay in abusive relationships and why they make excuses for these clowns.....you see it on ever Cops episode and Jerry Show.

Good luck with all of that.:

 

[Schooler]

Just forget it....This is why I can't ever get anywhere. I can't get anyone to understand where I am coming from, there are too many issues, maybe I am just insane.

 

[sharp4runr]

LOL, well the Internet and especially messageboards its hard to get the "feeling" of the message across.

Have you guys thought about counseling?

 

[pag04]

Sounds like you really didn't want opinions, just people to tell you what you already decided was ok. Look you both have issues. If you think the relationship is worth saving then go to a counselor. Looking for relationship help in a Toyota truck conference is probably not the best idea. Hell, most of these guys are probably married to their trucks anyway.

 

[TranceKrayz]

Sounds like you really didn't want opinions, just people to tell you what you already decided was ok. Look you both have issues. If you think the relationship is worth saving then go to a counselor. Looking for relationship help in a Toyota truck conference is probably not the best idea. Hell, most of these guys are probably married to their trucks anyway.

hey hey! at least my baby treats me right!

on a more serious note.....you asked for opinions and advice, so you got them. it's whether or not you want to take it. this IS a truck forum filled with GUYS in love with their trucks, but are you saying our advice are rediculous? is it too rediculous to care for your child? for a group of guys...you got some pretty good advice. if you don't keep an open mind, a councelor won't even save your relationship.

P.S. my girlfriend just sat here and read all of this and she agrees with all the responses from the guys here.

 

[AZRunner]

Are you positive this is the type of relationship you want to be in? He will always be looking for someone else and using you to fall back on. He doesn't care about your daughter or the relationship you have with her. I spent 8 years as a single parent. I can tell you first hand how much it hurt her not having her Mom show her attention. She chose not to. Still chooses not to. Says she loves her, but only calls on birthdays and Christmas. If he is making it dificult for you to see her, and you would like to see her, then he is hurting your daughter. As for your relationship with him, in a good relationship each person makes the other better, makes them feel secure, and feel excited to spend time together. He seems to spend his time making it hard for you to make yourself better through school, spend quality time with your daughter. He imagines he is with others(internet porn), needs female attention other than with you(don't know what that is all about other than looking for someone new), and whines about everything. BTW, It's not a guy thing to need other female attention, just a D*CK thing. Also, he doesn't seem to think that you make the decisions, otherwise he would have asked you before letting his ex live at your place in NC.

My advice is to dump him and don't look back. It seems complicated now, but it will only get harder if you continue down this path. You will look back and think why didn't I do it then when it was so much easier. Most guys don't have these kind of flaws. You seem intelligent enough to find someone better, just do it.

 

[toybox]

:iagree:

I can tell you first hand how much it hurt her not having her Mom show her attention. She chose not to. Still chooses not to. Says she loves her, but only calls on birthdays and Christmas.

That is sad and I feel bad for your daughter. There is nothing like a mothers love.

 

[Sac State]

You will only be pushed around and bullied if you let him do it.

If you are in business together, keep it at that, nothing else.

 

[EDGE]

She already made up her mind, we are just wasting our time trying to help her out, just another girl who thinks she can change the man.

 

[Schooler]

So quick to juump to conclusions....Sigh

No, I guess what I really needed to know was that I needed to stand up for my rights. Sometimes the line between giving enough and giving too much gets blurred.

Well, we talked about everything last night. I told him that I was not going to cut time short with my daughter for anything. I told him that his ex could move in while we were not living there and that he needed to emphasise that it was a temporary arrangement while her son finished school and that she needed to be finding another place because we will be coming back there soon. I told him that he needs to keep his bad attitude in check because it reflects on everyone else around him, even the dog. And I told him that he needs to appreciate all that I do and he needs to show that appreciation.

He agreed that his actions had been out of hand and that it was easy to take advantage of some situations when I didn't ever talk about anything that was upsetting me. Then he made me dinner and gave me a back rub.

So it was I that needed to stand up for myself and you guys helped me do that. You clarified that this was behavior that was not acceptable and I took a stand against that. So thanks to all of you who helped.

 

[EDGE]

girl freakin power, now put the porn blockers on the computer and hide the remote:cheers: :biggrin2: :bonk: :jester: :rocker: :driving: :clap: :guitar2: keep that man in check:whipping2