Big update: doing searches on reasons for center diff. not to be engaging, and getting worried about lack of use and $2500 actuator replacements, i recalled someone mentioning to check to make sure the locking button was plugged in.
at midnight, i went out to move the 4runner around to try and engage the differential. nothing happened. so i took the fuse cover off and saw an unplugged line. i reached up an popped the differential plug out. no connection!
plugged it in (perfect fit) and went out for a short drive. into 4H and press the button, and it goes on. ran it through some paces, and no issues that i can tell.
didn't really notice anything different driving, but the lights all worked fine.
this is with a 2007 V6 w/200k in MA. as far as i know, neither the 4L or diff. lock had ever been engaged (known it since new).
i can sleep much more soundly tonite. i'll check the actuator breather tube later.