Joke Thread

What's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly your d!ck down a chick's throat.


:party:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
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I love the little Johnny jokes so I shall continue...

Little Johnnies teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word urinate in a sentence. Immediately Johnnies hand shoots up, and replies with "my daddy said that despite your small tits, your an eight"
 
I ordered a pizza the other day and when the lady over the counter read my order back to me she said " So, you have one thick sausage, anything else?"

I looked her dead in the eye and said " Yes i also ordered a pizza"
 
A scotsman walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits next to his friends, they notice a scowl on his face and ask, "Aye Seamus, why the long face?"

Seamus sighs, and explains to his friends:

"My friends, tis the townsfolk that got me down. This spring, I went to the fields, and tilled them to allow our crops to grow. But do they call me 'Seamus the field tiller'? Nay.

After the floods, I went to the center of town, and with my own bare hands, rebuilt our bridge to let us travel for trade. But do they call me 'Seamus the bridge builder'? Nay.

The lord's house was burned this Summer, and needed to be rebuilt. I laid the brick for his walls with my own two hands. But do they call me 'Seamus the brick layer'? Nay.

But you **** ONE goat....."
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The tender looks at him confused and says to the pirate, you know there's a steering wheel sticking out of your pants right?

The pirate looks back at him.....

Arr! N'its driving me nuts!
 
Q: How do you know if you've p i s s e d off your bartender?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody mary.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and Mexicans?
A: Jesus doesn't have Mexicans tattooed all over him.
 
saw this on facebook decide to post it,

alex+t4r-albums-2005+t4r-picture15217-598509-450016341727608-2111819158-n.jpg
 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Bud and it's half the price."
 
The Future Farmers of America has changed its motto to "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
 
3 guys die and go to heaven

St Peter meets them and says......."Show me something that represents Christmas"

the 1st guy pulls out a lighter, lights and says......... this is a candle!

the 2nd guy pulls out his keys,,,,,,,jingles them and says...........these are jingle bells!

the 3rd guy pulls out a pair of panties and says.............................................. ...................... .these are Carol's !!!!
 
new watch

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn -- this thing must be an hour fast!"
 
Sometimes I feel this way about people I know:

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
 
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."
 
"Did you hear about that actress who stabbed her husband? Reese Uhmmm uhmmm...."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, with her knife."
 
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
 

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