International Rules of Manhood
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella
2. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... And it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
