Joke Thread

[Denio]

Poor Old Joe

Joe was killed in a major traffic accident, his body severely burned.

At the morgue they needed someone to identify the body. Joe had no relatives living in the area, but there was two guys he was with all the time.

They had these two guys come down to the morgue and try and identify the body.

The Coroner brought the body in and they looked, and then asked if they could turn the body over.

One guy stepped up close and looked at his butt, then he told his friend to take a look, and he did the same. then they said this isn't Joe.

The Coroner, a little confused asked how can you say this isn't Joe just by looking at his butt?

Well they said, everytime we were out with Joe everybody would say.

"Here comes Joe with the two A**holes"

 

[Denio]

Billy Bob and Bubba

Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup.
Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck.
Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would..
We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods..
She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want"

Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...

 

[Denio]

Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly
asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing? "The
operator said, "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room
number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel,
room 302. The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
record
says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her
blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday." The Grandmother said, "Thank
you. That's
wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The
operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The
Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit!"

 

[Denio]

Prison vs. Work

Subject: Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON ...t! hey allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK

 

[Denio]

A Little Twisted Humor

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the

Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll

see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's

2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I

could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you

bring da fingers?"



To which Ole replied:







"How da **** was I suppose to pick dem up?"

 

[Denio]

Mensa Winners

Mensa Winners Invitational Winners

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido:
All talk and no action.

15 Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

 

[Denio]

Husband and Wife

Subject: Husband and Wife


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "! Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: " S**T "

 

[Denio]

Rules for Men

Subject: Rules for Men


>
>
> In anticipation of Valentine's Day, here are the
> Rules of Romance
>
> In the world of romance, ONLY one single rule applies to the men:
>
> Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
> Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
>
> Here is a guide to the point system:
>
> SIMPLE DUTIES
> You make the bed (+1)
> You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
> You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
> withBeer (-5)
> You check out a suspicious noise ! at night (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
> You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
> It's her pet (-10)
>
> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
> You stay by her side the entire party (0)
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
> buddy (-2)
> Named Rita (-4)
> Rita is a dancer (-6)
> Rita has silicon implants (-80)
>
> HER BIRTHDAY
> You take her out to dinner (0)
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
> Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
> And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
> the colors of your favorite team (-10)
>
> A NIGHT OUT
> You take her to a movie (+2)
> You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
> You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
>! ; You take her to a movie you like (-2)
> It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
>
> YOUR PHYSIQUE
> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
> You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
> baggyHawaiianshirts (-30)
> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)
>
> ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
> She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
> You hesitate in responding (-10)
> You reply, "Where?" (-35)
> Any other response (-20)
>
> COMMUNICATION
> When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
> looks
> like a concerned expression (0)
> You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
> You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
> She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
>
> Now what chance do you have?

 

[Denio]

Government Contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900:
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and
$100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

$1,000 for me and $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Tennessee."

 

[Denio]

????

BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT

Let's see if I understand
how the world works lately..


If a man cuts his finger off
while slicing salami at work,
he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.






If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay

 

[Denio]

Shopping for Sausage

A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find
the Polish sausage?"

The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was
Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did
you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for a Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

 

[Denio]

Why men are not Secretaries

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES:

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.
" I didn't know you liked beer "

 

[Denio]

Simple Math

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-$-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bulls**t and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top.

"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM."

 

[Denio]

Level of Insanity

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.



2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.



3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.



6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"



7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."



8 don't use any punctuation



9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.



11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."



12. Sing Along At The Opera.



13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme



14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"



18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


20. Be a Member of " The T4R.ORG Forum "..

 

[jharris2]

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

 

[slingshot]

How do you know when you're at a gay bar-b-que?







The hotdogs taste like shit.

 

[JP4RNR]

How do you know when you're at a gay bar-b-que?







The hotdogs taste like shit.

So what would one conclude if they were not at a gay BBQ and the hot dogs still tasted like SH&*. I would conclude that the cook did not insist on Kosher Hebrew National Beef Franks

 

[T?@\7]

What do 3 Tampons say to eachother as they walk down the street?






























NOTHING, they are all Stuck Up cvnts.

 

[moneypit]

Appalachian Vasectomy.....


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was rather expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10!"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me?"

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"


you'll love this......


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

 

[rook]

never let a crack head sing

http://www.claymeyers.com/downloads/files/omazing-grace.wmv