Joke Thread

[Thai]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, barely containing his laughter and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the sh#t out of a ghost."

 

[Thai]

(from the 2000 Darwin Awards)

AND FINALLY: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. (Way to go, Lavinia).

 

[Thai]

A husband and wife are invited to a Halloween costume party. She purchases costumes for them to wear, but the day of the party she develops a migraine and decides to stay home. She helps her husband dress in his gorilla suit and sends him off. After a short rest, her headache disappears, so she decides to don her costume, which he hasn't seen, and see how he behaves without her around.

Shortly after she arrives, here comes her husband in the gorilla suit and starts flirting, not knowing it's her. She decides to play along to see just how far he'll go. After a few drinks and a dance or two, she puts him to the test. She leads him off into a dark room, tears off his gorilla suit, and makes mad passionate love to him. When finished, she is totally infuriated that he offers no resistance. She quickly leaves the room, and rushes home and waits for the scum to come home.

About an hour later, he comes dragging in. She pretends to awaken, and then asks, "Well, how was the party?" He replies, "Kinda boring, without you there. Me and a couple of guys slipped out into the garage and played poker most of the night. But, the guy I loaned my costume to said he had one hell of a time!!!"

 

[Thai]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and yelled, "Here's four weeks' pay", now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Thai]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[Thai]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"


After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Thai]

I understand that in Japan they test their 4x4s are air tight by putting a cat in it overnight. If the next morning the cat is dead the car has passed.

Land Rover thought this was a good idea so did a similar thing. Upon inspection the next morning the cat had escaped !!!

 

[AreaOne]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an

attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he

can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I

think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has

ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,

are you the stripper from my friend's bachelor party that I

made love to on the pool table with all my buddies

watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet

celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[jharris2]

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern - 3 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches, or Dober-dawg

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead and buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

 

[Kmvreter]

Thermometer

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department of Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

[Denio]

Remember Me..

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD....

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED "IN 1959.WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT A$$, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT S.O.B ASKED..

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

 

[Thai]

Subject: Hillary's Indian Name

Not long ago, in upstate New York, Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers."

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of Shit it can no longer fly.

 

[Thai]

The Journey of man . . .

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older, wiser, and just looking for a girl with big tits!!

 

[Thai]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'





'I can't see my ass coming to work today'.

 

[jharris2]

A woman looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Give me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's just about perfect."






He never even heard the shot.

 

[jharris2]

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.

They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.

One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"

 

[Thai]

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

 

[rook]

Unbelievable! Your Drivers License Online

Your Drivers License info is available online

 

[Thai]

"We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

On one side, you have a b!tch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a b!tch who is a lawyer.

On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

Is there a contest here? "

 

[Jeff Kleb]

Joke of The Day


Not the funniest thing I ever heard, but worth sharing with all of you here at T4R.org -- my favorite bunch of chaps.
:girl:


One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became dire. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement,
that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ol e Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
:biggrin2: