I think I've figured out the issue. The access port on my driver side is on the right side of the drum. I had become convinced that the lever would somehow be on the right side, despite the parking brake spring being on the same side. When you confirmed that it's always on the forward side, I took another look, and I suspect that I have a passenger side backing plate on my driver side. That would explain why this task went from a PITA to seemingly impossible.
I'm gonna have to replace the drums anyway, so I think I'm just gonna take an angle grinder to the drum and cut a window on the forward side
if u look at the drum there r threaded holes that u can screw a bolt into that will pull the drum out/off