Hi all, thanks to everyone for the advice. Here's an update to that brake drum issue I was having the other day.
After playing around with the star adjuster a little more, I realized that even when the lever is removed, the bolt is so gunked up that I can barely get it to move anyway. So I tried to grind the brake shoe pins off the back of the drum. I got one off, but the grinder was too big to get to the other and I didn't want to damage the parking brake. I decided to go with the nuclear option and cut the drum off.
The process of cutting the drum was surprisingly easy. It took maybe 20 minutes of total cut time, before finishing it off with a prybar. When I finally got a look inside, my struggles were validated.
Brake Drum Shenanigans - Album on Imgur
Here are the two brake drums for comparison. The right one was identical to the FSM diagrams, while the left side had a completely different setup. Not only is the lever on the rear side rather than the forward, but it is behind the shoes rather than in front. In addition, there is no tab to press to move the arm; instead, the tab must be moved directly away from the star piece before adjusting. Figuring that out while not being able to see anything was never going to happen.
But now I have two brake drums off, so life can go on! There's a ton of gunk and what looks to me like fiberglass in the drum, so I think I'll clean it up, put new shoes and drums on, and take it to a mechanic to diagnose a fluid leak.