Joke Thread

[Thai]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Pub Night 2.5, Weekend Golf 6.1 and Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Rubbish Out 3.3 and Garden Work 2.1 have gone from select-as-needed to continuous schedule. Ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!

Thanks,

A TROUBLED USER

**********

REPLY:

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common complaint which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under"Warnings -Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support

 

[Iman74]

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women

patron..He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer," he replied.
"For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said.
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[jharris2]

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[Thai]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzzdown and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

 

[Thai]

An Irish Fight:
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[Thai]

Irish Cemetery:

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

 

[Thai]

Irish Miracle:
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[Thai]

Irish Accident:
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

 

[Thai]

Irish Predicament:
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

 

[Thai]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"

 

[jharris2]

A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

 

[jharris2]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby".

 

[jharris2]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.



(appropriate that this is post #1040 for me..... : )

 

[Thai]

A poem from a woman's point of view:

The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative move. Who in the world understands men?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Today is the tomorrow. You worried so much about yesterday... Was it worth it?
Love, if you can't be good... Be good at it.

 

[jharris2]

A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[Thai]

THE ROBIN WILLIAMS PEACE PLAN
>> >
>> > This may very well be the best thought out item we have read
>>since 9/11/01.
>> Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ..
>>what we need
>>now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
>> >
>> > I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of
>>a plan for
>>peace. So, here's one plan.
>> >
>> > 1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in
>>their
>>affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo,
>>Noriega, Milosovich and
>>the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again.
>> >
>> > 2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world,
>>starting with
>>Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there.
>>We would
>>station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the
>>fence.
>> >
>> > 3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs
>>together and
>>leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the
>>remainder will be
>>gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where
>>they are. France
>>would welcome them.
>> >
>> >
>> > 4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited
>>to 90 days
>>unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would
>>be allowed
>>in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
>>here. Asylum
>>would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab
>>drivers or
>>7-11 cashiers.
>> >
>> > 5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers.
>>If they
>>don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "deport") and it's back
>>home baby.
>> >
>> > 6.. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient
>>energy
>>wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy
>>but will
>>require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The
>>caribou will have
>>to cope for a while.
>> >
>> > 7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a
>>barrel for
>>their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can
>>go somewhere
>>else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling
>>up the
>>storage sites would be enough.)
>> >
>> > 8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the
>>world, we will
>>not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds,
>>rain, cement
>>or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen
>>or given to
>>the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if
>>anything..
>> >
>> > 9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place.
>>We don't
>>need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building
>>would make a
>>good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
>> >
>> > 10.. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way
>>no one can
>>call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is
>>ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
>> >
>> > Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
>> > The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor,
>>your tired,
>>your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
>>"You want a
>>piece of me?"

 

[Jayded]

An elderly woman, Mary, after having numerous facelifts in the past, decides to visit her plastic surgeon.

Mary: "Doc, it seems that no matter how many facelifts you perform on me, as I get older I still get wrinkles in my face. I literally cannot afford to keep getting these procedures done!"

Doctor: "Okay. I have an idea. I've been developing new technology that would allow you to adjust exactly how "tight" you want your face, at any time. What I'll do is attach a small, inconspicuous knob on the back of your neck that you can twist whenever you want to pull back the skin on your face."

So, mary decides to go ahead with the procedure...and for once, she is happy.

Three months later, however...she shows up back at the doctor's office, looking distressed.

Mary: "Doc! The procedure you did on me worked flawlessly for the last several months, but now I seem to have a problem that I can't resolve--I've twisted the knob over and over, but I simply can't get rid of these damn bags under my eyes!"

Doctor: "Ma'am, those are your breasts."

Mary: "Oh. Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

 

[yabedude]

Chinese Sleuth

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave the house. I watch house.
He comes to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME.
Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE.

 

[yabedude]

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. "You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the young girl ended up in my room."

 

[yabedude]

Old Wives

A Mississippi family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."