Joke Thread
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Kmvreter
New member
An elderly man owned a farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
downpour11
New member
^^^ :lmao: good stuff
Here's a cheesy one:
Why don't birds wear underwear?
cuz their pecker's on their face!!!
Here's a cheesy one:
Why don't birds wear underwear?
cuz their pecker's on their face!!!
ddnww
New member
guy walks into the dr. office.
receptionist says can I help you.
he replies, somethings wrong with my d#*k, I cant piss out of it.
shes says sir you cant talk like that in here, please go back outside , come back in and say somethings wrong with your ear.
he goes outside, smoke a cigarette and goes back in.
he walks up and says somethings wrong with my ear.
she says ok have a seat will call you when the dr is ready.
some time passes by and the nurse calls him into a patient room.
the dr. comes in and says theres something wrong with your ear sir.
he says, ya, I cant piss out of it.
receptionist says can I help you.
he replies, somethings wrong with my d#*k, I cant piss out of it.
shes says sir you cant talk like that in here, please go back outside , come back in and say somethings wrong with your ear.
he goes outside, smoke a cigarette and goes back in.
he walks up and says somethings wrong with my ear.
she says ok have a seat will call you when the dr is ready.
some time passes by and the nurse calls him into a patient room.
the dr. comes in and says theres something wrong with your ear sir.
he says, ya, I cant piss out of it.
ddnww
New member
guy walks into a bar, sits and asks for a drink.
he notices a big pickle jar stuffed to the top with cash.
he asks the bartender whats that for.
bartended says, well , if you complete three tasks you get all the
money in the jar, if you don't , you put $20 in it.
guy says, well whats the three tasks.
bartender says, well 1st, you see that guy at the end of the bar.
the guy looks and sees a huge ugly gorilla looking monster of a man.
bartender says, you gotta knock him out.
2nd task, theres a viscous rottwieler behind the bar that has a bad tooth,
you gotta pull his bad tooth out.
guy sighs and says.... ok..
3rd. bartender says, theres a woman in a trailer out back,
you just gotta give her the best orgasm shes ever had.
guy says ok ok.. so knock the guy out, pull the bad tooth, and screw her brains out.
he thinks about it for a few minutes, asks the bartender for another shot.
few minutes go by, and the guy gets up, walks down to the end of the bar.
he taps the guy on the shoulder. the guy turns around and stands up.
the guy thinks again for a sec after he sees how huge and ruff this guy is.
out of nowhere with lightning speed the guy cracks him , and he drops like a sack of potatoes. everyone goes crazy because nobody has ever completed this first task.
someone buys the guy a shot out of respect.
the guy shoots down the shot and says ok, the dog.
the guy heads outback. hes out there for a while, you hear the dog
howling and growling, and wimpering.
bout 30 minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar all excited.
and says " ALL RIGHT, NOW WHERES THE BI#CH WITH THE BAD TOOTH"
he notices a big pickle jar stuffed to the top with cash.
he asks the bartender whats that for.
bartended says, well , if you complete three tasks you get all the
money in the jar, if you don't , you put $20 in it.
guy says, well whats the three tasks.
bartender says, well 1st, you see that guy at the end of the bar.
the guy looks and sees a huge ugly gorilla looking monster of a man.
bartender says, you gotta knock him out.
2nd task, theres a viscous rottwieler behind the bar that has a bad tooth,
you gotta pull his bad tooth out.
guy sighs and says.... ok..
3rd. bartender says, theres a woman in a trailer out back,
you just gotta give her the best orgasm shes ever had.
guy says ok ok.. so knock the guy out, pull the bad tooth, and screw her brains out.
he thinks about it for a few minutes, asks the bartender for another shot.
few minutes go by, and the guy gets up, walks down to the end of the bar.
he taps the guy on the shoulder. the guy turns around and stands up.
the guy thinks again for a sec after he sees how huge and ruff this guy is.
out of nowhere with lightning speed the guy cracks him , and he drops like a sack of potatoes. everyone goes crazy because nobody has ever completed this first task.
someone buys the guy a shot out of respect.
the guy shoots down the shot and says ok, the dog.
the guy heads outback. hes out there for a while, you hear the dog
howling and growling, and wimpering.
bout 30 minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar all excited.
and says " ALL RIGHT, NOW WHERES THE BI#CH WITH THE BAD TOOTH"
Kmvreter
New member
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any chemist."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"
Lady 2: "You can get them at any chemist."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
downpour11
New member
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska .
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't
know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we
need to go back to California and get another one?"
Alaska .
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pick-up truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed... "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't
know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we
need to go back to California and get another one?"
poleclimber63
Member
Comparison between Canadians and Americans!
I just came in from washing my beloved T4R, and checked my inbox, and a buddy living in NY sent this vid:
"STRONGER BEER" TIM HICKS (LYRIC VIDEO) - YouTube
I just came in from washing my beloved T4R, and checked my inbox, and a buddy living in NY sent this vid:
"STRONGER BEER" TIM HICKS (LYRIC VIDEO) - YouTube
Speedy Gomez
Banned
LOL!
Beaumont67
New member
Seems appropriate - haven't bought a Ford, in 25 years / and never will again.
- and Yes, I'm a dog lover / Doberman to be exact
- and Yes, I'm a dog lover / Doberman to be exact
Last edited:
ElectroBoy
Banned
I know this is an old thread. But during this covid lockdown I’m easily amused and needed a place to share this joke from a FB poster.
—————————-
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
—————————-
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
4Reak Show
New member
What’s the difference between an infant corn farmer and a prostitute with explosive diarrhea?
One shucks between fits... and the other...
One shucks between fits... and the other...
Trout Killer
New member
Why do husbands usually die before their wives?
They want to. :drum:
They want to. :drum: