Joke Thread

[my04runner]

LOL, good one .. bstboy;

How about this one-

A father and son went hunting together for the first
time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET.
I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a bloodcurdling
scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the
father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear
breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes
and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't
cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or
scratch when the poison oak started itching. But
when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and
said, "Should we eat them here or take them with
us?"
"Well, I guess I just panicked."

 

[Thai]

Joke (Rated PG13):

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his friend's life, the chicken began to think. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new 4runner. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend the horse. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny 4runner, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the 4runner back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story? . . . . . When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a 4runner to pick up chicks.

(This joke was modified a little bit for this forum.)

 

[jharris2]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, 'Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?' and she said, "Take a sweater."

 

[jharris2]

Or this one...

 

[jharris2]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Se

 

[Iman74]

10 Things that men know about woman:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

 

[Thai]

Here's something that i found...not sure if it's true or not:

 

[jharris2]

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

 

[jharris2]

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral. "

 

[jharris2]

For our friends to the north:


60 above -
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Canadian people sunbathe.

50 above -
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadian people plant gardens.

40 above -
Italian cars won't start.
Canadian people drive with the windows down.

32 above -
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Ontario's water gets thicker.

20 above -
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadian people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above -
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadian people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadian people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below -
People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadian people get out their winter coats.

40 below -
Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

50 below -
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

60 below -
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below -
ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadian people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below -
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series

 

[Thai]

500 below -
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series

Ain't that the truth!

BTW, for me, anything below 60 F is freezing!

 

[Thai]

NFL News:

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and they have no second string.

 

[jharris2]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ...."

 

[Thai]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she
slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out
for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they
both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles
under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said,
"Not exactly a good time for that mate.."

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

 

[jharris2]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

 

[jharris2]

Dear Donna,

Hope things are well with you, Tom, and the kids.

If you'll remember, last year I replaced several windows in my house---and they were the expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Well, this week I got a call from the window contractor, complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. (Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round for a bit...)

But, just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year:

"M'am, we guarantee that in one year these windows will pay for themselves."

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back from the guy. (Guess I must have won that silly argument.)

Well, gotta go! That nice young man from Sears is here to install the new freezer that will pay for itself in three years. (God, I love this country!)

Love,

Mama




Remember that the next time a telemarketer calls you.

 

[Thai]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them:

- Gained weight

- Talked excessively without making any sense

- Became more emotional

- And couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

 

[jharris2]

Abbott & Costello Updated to 21st Century (for those of you who remember "Who's on First")

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue W

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one , maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is RealOne and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not, they own it.

 

[Iman74]

I didn't find it funny, but maybe you will.

****EDITED****
Sorry but sometimes I do not read all the posts. I was never much on reading.

 

[Thai]

Repost...please see above.