Joke Thread

[yabedude]

I wanna be a Cowboy!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

 

[yabedude]

Another Cowboy joke

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "Whats the name of your penis?.

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that . All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan "Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because "It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and say, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

 

[yabedude]

What Not To Name Your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call him "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "Nut, this is a dog". He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old". He said "You must have been quite a kid".

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for Sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me, too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand", I said. "I hoped to have sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had sex before I was married." The Judge said, "Me, too." I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said "Me, too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. a cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!

 

[yabedude]

How to Kill a South Dakota Eel

Little Johnny was twelve years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the other boys and wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny explained everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights, then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, cause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too cause he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too cause pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold cause he put it under her skirt. About this time, she got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started ... I knew it was a fever cause Sis told him she felt hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick ... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow! It just jumped out of his pants and stood there 10 INCHES LONG ... HONEST!!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared ... her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her 'bout the ones down by the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its' head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go ... I guess it bit her back or something.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while she took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could put a scissor lock on it, and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Hey boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew it cause it just hung there and some of its' insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. I guess eels are like cats ... they have nine lives or something cause it jumped straight up and started to fight again. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead cause I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its' skin off and flush it down the toilet ..... HONEST!!!

 

[yabedude]

Welfare Woes

A young man walked into the downtown welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job.

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes. The suits, shirts, and ties are provided.

Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.

The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

 

[yabedude]

I'm feel'in fine

Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?"

Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

"After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you > feeling?'"

 

[jharris2]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

[jharris2]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that... get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day, and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

 

[choyak]

Rednecks

There were 2 redneck brothers that were nailing the siding onto a house. The older brother saw the younger one throw half of the nails on the ground. The older one said 'You are always the dumber of us, what the heck are you doing'. The younger brother said 'defective nails, the point is in the wrong direction'. The older brother said 'I ALWAYS knew that you were dumber than me, those nails are not defective, they are for the other side of the house!!!!!'

 

[Thai]

The Test

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view;
it had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.! She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told
me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her underwear and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and
stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

The moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your car !

 

[jharris2]

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "it's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

 

[Thai]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just jerks.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others...
they're more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and
there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in
life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away.

 

[jharris2]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

 

[Larry]

A guy walks into a bar with a crocadile and puts it on the bar.

I a loud voice he asks, 'Is anyone willing to pay me $20 to see me put my private parts in the crocadile's mouth. And don't worry, he won't bite'.

So $20 hits the bar and the guy sticks his private parts in the crocadile's mouth. After a few seconds he hits the crocadile on the head with a beer bottle and it opens up, no bite.

Then the guy asks, 'Anyone here willing to try this trick, themselves for $100?'

A blond jumps up and says, 'I'll try it mister, but please don't hit me on the head'.

 

[Iman74]

Before reading this

Imagine you are a parent and a liquor store owner and you have a son.

Now read....

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was
receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead,
and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right," the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.
A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher
held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of
the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it
wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage
to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is
it?"

"A puppy!" the boy replied.

 

[rando]

Nasty!

 

[Hoomiester]

Some decent ones.

Funniest Joke in the World (according to Yahoo! October 3, 2002):

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Runner Up:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300o C. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

 

[jharris2]

HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[BC_Runner]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to
hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on
my list but I have no room for you. But you
definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got three people here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such
was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day
long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill
Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked
over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what
she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to
go!"

 

[Sac State]

Security alert raised in France

Terrorist Alert in France. AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The raise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its military.