Joke Thread
- Thread starter Thai
- Start date
Backwoodsboy
New member
Damn Thai I started at the begining and had tears rolling:banana:
theizzardking
New member
leftyguns21
New member
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, "You know you've got a ship's wheel on your penis?" And the pirate says, "Argh, I know. It drives me nuts"
leftyguns21
New member
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day, hoping to catch the guy. I accused her of being unfaithful and searched the entire house without any luck. Then, I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man. If you'd only checked the walk-in freezer, we'd both be alive."
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day, hoping to catch the guy. I accused her of being unfaithful and searched the entire house without any luck. Then, I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man. If you'd only checked the walk-in freezer, we'd both be alive."
brian2sun
Elite Member
ATM Procedures - Men vs Women
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to the cash machine.
2.Put down your car window.
3.Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4.Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5.Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6.Put window up.
7.Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1.Drive up to cash machine.
2.Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3.Set parking brake, put the window down.
4.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5.Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.Insert card.
9.Re-insert card the right way.
10.Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.Enter PIN.
12.Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13.Enter amount of cash required.
14.Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15.Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18.Re-check makeup.
19.Drive forward 2 feet.
20.Reverse back to cash machine.
21.Retrieve card.
22.Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23.Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Redial person on cell phone.
26.Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27.Release Parking Brake.
Thai
Elite Member
WHY I'M DEPRESSED
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
eric_simo99
New member
this one made my day! bahahaha :lmao:
Kmvreter
New member
The stranded Scotsman
One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It canna be a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Scotsman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "AHHH Lassie," said the castaway, "'Tis so good! I'd almost forgotten how grand a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch Whisky?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Scotsman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Lord Above, Lassie! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"
One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It canna be a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Scotsman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "AHHH Lassie," said the castaway, "'Tis so good! I'd almost forgotten how grand a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scotch Whisky?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Scotsman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Lord Above, Lassie! Don't tell me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!"
theizzardking
New member
saw this today and made me think of some of us here from time to time, lol
theizzardking
New member
theizzardking
New member
Nates_NW4Runner
Member
andyman32392
New member
That would have worked better if you said it as twenty eight year olds, you gotta spell it out or it won't make sense
